My Journey So Far...

Hello everyone reading!

I feel as though I am about to cry. The other day, I was removing my nail polish. Actually, perhaps this isn't the place to start my story. Lets go way back.

One of my earliest memories is my mom telling me to stop picking at my cuticles, otherwise I'd get sick. For years, I've had this ongoing problem. I will pick at my fingers nonstop until they're little bloody stumps of shame. I've always hated this about myself, yet I still manage to do it. I've had this habit since I can remember.

There have been small amounts of time in the past where I've stopped, but these last for only a couple days, and just when I am starting to become proud of myself, I notice a drop of blood on my leg and I've started again. This habit usually gets worse with my anxiety. It reached it's all time high during my junior year of high school. When New Years rolled around this year, I vowed to stop picking and my reward would be my first tattoo. Around April, I was dismayed to discover I hadn't really made any progress at all.

Now back to now. I was removing my nail polish, and I braced myself for the intense stinging pain of remover in my wounds. After about two minutes, I realized there was no pain. I quickly removed the cotton ball and saw my fingers; they were smooth!

Now for those of you who don't know what it's like to pick your fingers, healing takes quite a bit of time. Your open wounded stubs do not heal over night, they don't even heal in a week. At least not for me. Because I've picked at them for years, it takes a long time for them to completely recover, which is actually a milestone I've never reached.

I told all my friends and they were so proud of me. They should be. Everyone who has been close to me has known about this problem since they've known me. In many ways, I feel like this step is a step toward recovery. Not necessarily recovery from just my picking, but from the anxiety and tortures I've been handling for the past three years or so. I feel like I am FINALLY getting to a better place.

I saw The Fault in Our Stars, and I cried a lot. I cried more than I thought I would. I went back to the car crying, and I was crying when we stopped at McDonald's. My best friend's nephew didn't really understand it, my friend Sean and my sister ignored it, and my best friend Kim looked at me knowingly. I wasn't crying over the movie. I was just letting it all out. The years of pretending to be strong and being mad and hurt are over. I cried for the first time. And I feel like it's finally over. I'm finally free. It may not make sense to some of you, but I will talk about it later on this journey...

I still catch myself picking occasionally, but I stop myself immediately. I thing things will change. They're looking up.

Yours Truly, Jamie♥

Update/Giveaway

Hey everyone! I haven't posted in forever...

So basically everything that's happened in the past year or so! I started college, and I love it. I decided that I want to pursue a career in the medical field. I want to be a OB/GYN. I am still with my boyfriend Ahnaf, and we are approaching a two year relationship. I got a job at a kid's toy store and I absolutely love it.

Most of all, I wanted to let you guys know that if you even read my blog (I know Kim did but looking at my page views at least a couple people did come back) fear not! I post somewhat regularly on my YouTube channel, where I am xchigumachanx. I post a variety of videos, kinda similar to what I did here.

I also plan to get back into the groove of blogging very shortly here. Now let me explain why I am doing this. The other day, I was checking my bloglovin' account only to find that Sara Mari started posting blog updates again! I was ecstatic. I have loved her for years, and it seemed she fell off the face of the earth. I was so excited for her to be posting that it inspired me once again.

I am thinking of taking a new direction on this blog, however. I would definitely like to maybe focus this blog a little more inward and discuss my difficulties with trying to overcome my anxiety sans meds. Or just talk about day to day things, with a few tidbits and advice on like, how I think fashion wise and book reviews. It'll be more assorted and less strictly beauty related.

Also, Sara Mari is doing a celebratory giveaway since she's back now! Here is the link:

Click Here 

So, without further ado, I'll end this post. I hope you all have a wonderful couple of days, and hopefully, I'll see you soon! 

Yours Truly, Jamie♥

Kawaii Companions Appreciation Post [:

About a year ago, I won a giveaway that was sponsored by Victoria aka ParfaitDoll. The prize was a ring and necklace from the store Kawaii Companions. After receiving my prize, I wrote a post basically reviewing the necklace and ring and talked about how much I loved everything having to do with Kawaii Companions. 

Since then, Kawaii Companions made a music video in partnership with Jen and the Gents which was absolutely adorable and somewhat heartbreaking. 

Also, their website has added so many more things onto it, like pictures and the music video as well as some tights they made. It's amazing! 

Anyway, they sent me a pair of tights to do a review on which I will be doing within the next week. I just need to take some pictures and upload them and be on my way. I have worn them once since getting them (I couldn't resist, plus, I figured that it might make for a better review if I actually had worn them) so expect a wonderful review. [: 

You can visit their webpage here and like their facebook page here! Have a wonderful next couple of days [: 

Yours Truly, Jamie♥

Some Post

Hey everyone! This is some random personal post I guess. I was just watching grav3yardgirl videos and I looked down and... oh my gosh! I've almost been watching grav3yardgirl for a year. Well, I had a bit of a hiatus from her videos. Anyway, I am wearing this bone shirt with a zombie cameo. And I realized, wow, I have changed.

A year ago, things were just so different. I am so much happier and I accept myself so much more now. It's fabulous. Then I realized, holy crap, I'm graduating this year. We got these packets about prom and senior checkout and senior celebration and it was just a wake up call. I ought to get on top of my scholarship stuff... gah, I'm such a slacker.

I hope you guys are having a good day [:
Yours Truly, Jamie♥

Random Tidbits About Self Love

Throughout my life, I've constantly been evolving and trying to fit into these ideas of how I should be or how I ought to be. Many times I have used the opinion of my boyfriend to determine how I was. Oh, he likes girls like this? I'll become that. 

Just recently, I have been realizing that I ought to be who I am and nothing more or nothing less. I have realized that it is okay to both love sweet lolita and want to collect bones at the same time. I've learned that although the way I dress is a huge part of who I am, it does not make me who I am. I've also learned that I CAN dress however I want to. 

Worrying about the opinion of others has given me nothing but hardships throughout my life, especially when I worry about the opinions of those who I care about. But then I realized that the people I care about who also care about me care about me for a reason. They don't just talk to me because they have no one else to. They chose me because I am a unique individual in which they enjoy spending time with. 

So basically I've had all these journeys only to come to the conclusion that is most cheesy and overused; BE YOURSELF. It's so cliche but it is so true. 

And that's my random tidbit about self love. 

Yours Truly, Jamie♥

An Explanation

Hello everyone! I hope you have been doing well. I have come back to give a little explanation of my random hiatus.

During my junior year, I decided to sign up to be in this class where I have an internship. I thought it would be a wonderful experience and such. This year, when I actually had to deal with it, things turned out to be extremely difficult and I was lacking the time and effort to even dress up or do anything else worthwhile.

Meanwhile, my camera stopped working and I just lost the inspiration.

I finally decided to drop the class. After so much hard work and getting blown off and drama, it had not been worth the gain at all. I feel a lot better and a lot less stressed since dropping it, so I've decided to take back up the activities I previously liked.

I am not on the technical crew in my theatre program which is absolutely wonderful. I started dressing up again and I auditioned for the talent show again.

Anyway, I am going to start blogging again for good. Wish me luck!~ [:

Yours Truly, Jamie♥

Update or something...

I am so bad at writing in this blog. I think I will improve though... I mean, I've been trying to improve. Writing here will make it a lot easier to keep up my New Year's Resolution to write something everyday. But for now I'll just tell you about my news and craziness and all that jazz.

First of all, I am not in costume crew at my school, so I have technical theater every day. That is insanely fun and I love it. Our school is doing the musical Aida and I usually would audition but the theater teacher, Mrs Fowler, had a baby and isn't around during this musical, so the choir teacher teaches it and I just prefer Mrs Fowler. I also miss her like crazy.

Next in line of my news is that I have decided one hundred percent to do my executive internship. The class in online and I'm currently working on writing my resume for them to send out to some people so they can get me placed. I am hopefully going to be placed in a hospital so that will be fun.

I'm thinking more about pursuing a career in the medical field again but I am just completely unsure. I go back and forth between the creative side and analytical side of me. One day I'll figure it out. Hopefully my internship helps me out a bit with my decision making.

I just finished reading the book The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde and OH MY GOODNESS. I love that book so incredibly much. it is written so well and it's just a magnificent piece of prose. The more I learn/read about Oscar Wilde, the more I just love him. I'm looking forward to reading more of his books in the future, but for now, next on my reading list are The Count of Monte Cristo, Jane Eyre, and Frankenstein.

Lastly, and most excitingly, I just received an acceptance letter to my first choice college on Friday! I was super excited, although I didn't doubt I would get in, it's still incredible, incredible news.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and I will be trying to write more, for once, I promise I'll do it! I've been working out and all of that so hopefully I stick to all the things I said I would.
Yours Truly, Jamie♥